This morning, my sweet lady couldn't sleep. I rocked her and rocked her, but she just couldn't get comfy. I thought she drifted off a few times, but when I would put her in her crib, she would just cry. My soft mama heart felt sad for the girl, so I pulled her into bed with me for a few hours. It was the best few hours I've had recently. Sure, I was uncomfortable & couldn't sleep (we don't co-sleep over here..this mama is too afraid and moves around too much in her sleep). But it was so worth it. She nuzzled right into the crook of my arm, and we laid belly to belly for a few hours. I didn't once shut my eyes, I just watched her sweet little self sleep. I inhaled her scent, which I feel like is changing daily. Maybe I failed her by bringing her into bed with me, since she was a bear to get down tonight. But I do know that as annoyed as I was to be missing sleep at 4am & as hard as it was to get her to sleep tonight, that there are aching mama hearts that will never get to do this. Or mamas that wish they had pulled their mini into bed with them, instead of letting them cry, but will never have the chance to again. I couldn't help but think how lucky I was, in that moment, at 4am, to be awake and snuggling my perfect little girl.
Parenting is a crazy ride. It seems like nothing ever goes right. I feel like I'm constantly failing when she eats puffs & yogis for lunch instead of the healthy food I intend to make for her. I hate that she refuses sippy cups, and only wants milk from her bottle. She acts like she doesn't have hands when I give her a sippy cup-she will drink from it if I hold it for her, but refuses to hold it herself. Its interesting how our little ones are so similar..going through the same milestones, but all so different at the same time. But how lucky was I to have a little one to be worried about what she was drinking from.
I wanted so badly to nurse my little babe. The first few days in the hospital, every time I tried, she screamed like I was killing her. After seeing multiple lactation consultants both inpatient and outpatient, our little girl having an elevated bilirubin and just overall being unhappy being put to breast, I decided to being my journey of exclusively pumping. Again, I felt like I failed her. It was my JOB to breastfeed. My body was made for this. Forget the fact that I already felt like a failure for having a C-Section as opposed to a vaginal delivery. But I couldn't breastfeed either? I was determined to make sure she still had breastmilk. I pumped every 2-3 hours religiously for the first 5 months. Like clockwork, my heart would begin to race at the 2 hour mark. I had to find a way to pump, and pump NOW! I joined an exclusively pumping Facebook group, and their support was unwavering. I pumped for her for a year, and every ounce of liquid gold reminded me how blessed I was to have a baby to provide it for, since some people will never experience that.
Being a mama is hard, and a job where you're constantly in orientation. Each day is something new, with new failures and successes. The important thing is though, to remember to savor those moments. You never know what tomorrow brings or how other people are suffering. What some people would kill for, you're complaining about. Try to remember to take the good with the bad, and have patience with your minis. They love you unconditionally & they deserve the same from you. The days are long but the years are short, my friends.
Linking up with A Mama's Story for this post! :)